(Polka Dot) Apples and (Blue) Pears

Crawford Market, built in part by Rudyard Kipling's father (he of exceeding good cakes), was the destination for the travelers' first full day in Mumbai (the deep fried Bombay Duck in the fish restaurant the night before could have been a wonderful substitution for cod - haddock if you're Northern - in fish and chips but the kingfish curry left them in no doubt, this was Mumbai).

Near the market the travelers were shown the way by a kindly old man who quickly revealed himself to be a money grabbing bastard. Upon arrival he pointed at the 'No Spitting' sign and looked at us. Lindsey and Billy sucked in their dribble and agreed. Thieving bastard continued to point. What was he getting at? 'Visitors must be accompanied by a porter'. Upon reading this the old man magically revealed his 'Official Porter' badge. 'Ok' they said, 'but we only want a couple of lemons to flavour our chlorine water'. The porter wasn't going to stop there....

market porter by Billy Barrington

They saw many great things in Crawford Market, red bananas, piles of melons, onions, potatoes, spices in penny sweet jars (!).

Ok, it was kind of like other markets but it had the India smell, and people sleeping in any shade they could get, and animals everywhere. Several thousand caged birds....

Birds in the market by Billy Barrington

After being forced into a high end clothes shop the daring duo made good their escape. Diving into a taxi they did what any self respecting middle class brit abroad would do, 'Could you take us to the Anish Kapoor Exhibition please?'

The Wrong Plane

After 'Never Let Me Go' (do let that film go, by all means) and a hazy half sleep the plane touched down. Luckily the captain had a midi keyboard to welcome flyers back to Earth....

Plane Music by Billy Barrington

The Air Conditioned estate car awaited 'Lansey Cockram' at the airport. The car park sodden and piss stained could have come out of Walthemstow, the sky, once outside, was maybe a little too blue. The tired travelers fell asleep soon enough, luckily the audio recorder was left on. When listened to it revealed that Lansey and Billy had seemingly traveled through a cacophony of bird like traffic.

Mumbai Beeping Taxis by Billy Barrington


Their first doubts emerged when they looked out of their Hotel window. 'Huh, that's familiar' Lansey observed.

Mumbai hotel window by Billy Barrington




Venturing outside into what should have been Mumbai (Bombay) their worst fears were proven true. They had got on the wrong plane. They were in London, or an alternate tropical version at least.

or was it Paris?

In a room full of boxes, at the airport.

'For those who can't wait for the slide show' is introduced to you by Will Calderbank.  Take it away Will.

Will Welcome by Billy Barrington



And so the adventure began.  Taking a right out of their first lodgings (134 Holland Road; the house of boxes) they traversed the hectic Palmeria square crossing.  It was a day much like every other, grey, cold, windy.  Lindsey cut Billy's hair, Lindsey didn't trust Billy to cut her hair so went to a hairdressers.  Billy sent Lazenbleep his book back.  Two for one lunches at the Brunswick, Steak and Chips, Sausage and Mash.  The intrepid duo were nothing if not prepared.

At the airport 'Music For Airports' by the antichrist was played.  Music for Airports in an Airport.  How post-something.

Music for Airports in an Airport by Billy Barrington